Status: It’s Complicated
The chapter heading, What I did I should never have done, comes from ‘The First Song of Yscolan’, The Black Book of Carmarthen XXXIII, from The Four Ancient Books of Wales, online translation by William Forbes Skene at the Celtic Literature Collective.
It’s a great line for a Wes chapter because that encompasses everything he’s ever done, pretty much.
In this chapter, now available as audio, Wes has another vision-episode, in which he sees himself betray a family member to Jem’s cult. Clearly, there’s an issue there. But it starts by calling back to the standalone short story Overexposure, which is 10% off in my shop over Pride Month 2023 with the discount code “PRIDE” entered at checkout, and included in the box set of eBooks, now all for £10.
The dynamic of Wes’s relationship with Charlie echoes his own addictions that he’s developing during Thirteenth, but also is established in that novel as being an unhealthy continuation of the short story. The events of the story are referenced in the novel too, and for those who want the full backstory of Charlie’s eyelid/browbone scars, Overexposure is where you’ll find it, told completely in her POV.
This section of the chapter pretty much highlights what their relationship currently looks like, and Wes trying to figure out if he’s in love with her or if he loves her in a different way or if he loves her at all, some of which is the anhedonia from his depression, and some is his own emotional dysregulation (undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD), and some is the relationship rut of 9-ish years of this very toxic, unhealthy dynamic thrown into sharper relief now he’s sober (sort of).
Her eyes had been brighter, once. He remembered them, a vivid forest-green, brimming with life and adventure. They were muted now, vacant. Her creativity hadn’t suffered but it had gotten darker. A lot darker. Her aesthetic had shifted from finding those little details in the world that made it brighter and more playful, to minimalist voids and absences, a focus on negative space.
Her deep red curls, dyed back to their vibrant natural colour, now looked like they were trying too hard. Underneath, the iron-grey was beautiful, he wanted to tell her. She didn’t need to hide it. He liked the way it framed her sweet, oval face in silvery tones. He knew her body now, could read its language like braille, and it was fatigued.
She was working too hard.
He kissed her, hard and long and deep and full of regret. She kissed him back, mouth as greedy as her eyes. He broke the kiss after counting slowly to five in his head and turned deliberately away to stare at the dead TV.
She blinked then and only then, and in her reflection in the plasma screen he saw the pain of loss slashing through the dusty vacancy. Her eyes lit up again, sparked into life by furious disappointment as his image was erased from her mind.
In those moments, she looked like the old Charlie.
“I love you,” he said, half-turning back to her and cupping her chin. “Have a good day today.”
Everything faded. Her shoulders slumped.
“You too, baby.” Even her voice was dulled.
It wasn’t fair that he’d got himself weaned off most of his vices and she was stuck with hers for as long as he was alive. He didn’t feel he could celebrate his daily sobriety with her or Hugo, like that would be throwing it back in their faces. It had rankled at first, but now it was just another thing he didn’t talk about.
Charlie twisted her fingers together. “Will you be home tonight?”
“I don’t know.” Wes shook his head. “If I’m not I’ll call you, and you can see me that way.”
“It’s not as good, and you’ve been away a lot.” She shivered. “Kiss me again.”
Wes nearly said no, but he couldn’t. He kissed her, and almost lost himself in the life-or-death urgency of her lips on his. He let her choose when to break it this time and held her in silence for a moment.
“I’ve got to go,” she murmured.
Wes released her. “Yeah, okay. I love you.”
“Do you?”
The question slapped him out of nowhere.
Charlie was serious.
He didn’t know how to answer her, so he said what she needed to hear. “Of course I do.”
She smiled like she wasn’t sure if she believed him.
The Day We Ate Grandad, Chapter 7: What I Did, I Should Never Have Done
You can see how this all began in Overexposure, which has an audio version too. If you want 10% off anything in my shop, add the code “PRIDE” at checkout to claim your discount. The boxset already has a massive reduction applied! Full price individually all the eBooks are around £21 total to buy, and the set is now £10 for Pride Month. After that it will be going up.
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