In the binary days of yore, they were known as succubi/incubi by human demonologists, denoting female/male respectively, but in fact sex demons can be whatever you want them to be, and don’t personally identify as either. Most of the succubus and incubus attacks in one area are perpetrated by the same demon, and they don’t have a type, preference or orientation.
Time was, you could spot a sex demon quite easily in a crowded room, but with so many vampires opting for the Burlesque Look and adopting the classic red-and-black, sex-demon-chic themselves these days, it’s getting more difficult to tell by fashion statements alone.
Here’s a few pointers to make it easier:
1. Rising Temperature
You’ll usually find them in crowded public spaces, snacking on sexual desire and pheromones, but the temperature will rise significantly in their immediate vicinity. In the same way as the temperature plummets in the presence of ghosts, the temperature rises in the presence of sex demons. Your internal temp may also rise, which could confuse the issue.
2. Carnivorous But Never Seen Eating
A sex demon is not a vegan or a vegetarian. They feast on human flesh and sexual energies. They will refuse offers of food if it has no meat component, but if offered meat, you won’t actually see them eat it. Somehow, it will be gone. They always leave the salad.
3. They Trigger Your Freeze Response
When you spot one in the wild, you may find yourself unable to move. Breathing can become difficult. They naturally exude a mild hallucinogenic, so you may start to feel light-headed or begin to trip out. Colours and sounds will become more intense. What you will not be able to do is run away. You will want to – a sex demon can de-glove and consume male sexual organs in under twenty seconds. The best thing to do is to think of ice cubes, or concentrate hard on your ultimate turn-off. Hopefully, it will move on to someone else.
4. Very Hard To Kill
The last bit of the previous point may sound callous, but honestly for the average person that’s your best hope. If you fancy becoming a have-a-go-hero, chances are you’ll be sucked dry in less time than it takes to chug an Innocent Smoothie. They are extremely hard to kill, and often all the best and most experienced hunters can do is temporarily banish them to their fiery dimension. They’ll be back.
One such demon survived three beheadings, five heart-burnings, seven exorcisms and a bath of holy water. After two centuries of [well-deserved] R&R in its own realm, it is now back again and hanging out in a certain quiet coastal town near Pevensey, keeping its head down as the proprietor of a popular fetish club.
5. Promises To Meet The Parents, Never Does
Some more modern sex demons, fed up of centuries of people trying to kill them in increasingly imaginative ways, take it easy on the human flesh orgies and get themselves a medium-term human pet. For a sex demon this is the equivalent of going to WeightWatchers. They will attempt commitment but exhibit commitment-phobic behaviour, of which refusing to meet your parents is but one example. Eventually, your sex demon S. O. will lose interest, go full Praying Mantis on you and bite your head off to suck out your insides during coitus. This is not personal.
Dating: Why It’s Inadvisable
The thrill of dating sex demons is now an extreme sport among some groups, by the same personality types who think Russian Roulette with live rounds is the epitome of a Good Time. Will tonight be your last night on Earth? Or will it be tomorrow? With your sex demon lover, WHO KNOWS! That’s all part of the fun. The idea is to introduce your sex demon date to someone else before they kill you, and then you can move on to the next dangerous thing on your Bucket List.
Little signs that your date is getting ready to eat you include:
- Starving themselves in preparation for the feast
- You start seeing their real, un-glamoured appearance in reflective surfaces behind you
- They seem more than usually horny and keep finding excuses to get you alone
- They start turning up everywhere, even places they couldn’t possibly have followed you into, like the photocopying room at work or the changing room at Debenhams
- After sex they lie straight out, rigid, beside you, and when you ask what they’re doing they say they’re “stretching” or “seeing if you’ve grown”
- They start plying you with their taste-preferences, such as certain kinds of fruit, or put you on a suspiciously unscientific “totally scientific diet”
If your date is displaying any one of these behaviours, this may not in itself be cause for immediate alarm as that’s just what sex demons do. It’s when they start doing all of them together and also stop eating for a time that you need to pass them off to someone else – preferably tastier than you – as soon as you possibly can.
The best advice is not to go there in the first place.
ChastitySpray, the latest sex demon repellent on the market, is now available from most good stockists. One spray lasts twelve hours.
I’m actually cackling.